What Was I Thinking?

Ever wonder, “What was I thinking?” when an action you took did not turn out as expected? What you did or what you said, which you thought was no big deal at the time, had serious unintended consequences!

• What made you buy that stock at the high price and sell at the low? Damn, that was dumb!
• What made you say “yes” to that invite when you knew you shouldn’t have gone to a party with so many people mingling? Damn, I hope I didn’t catch the virus! That was stupid!
• What made you lose your cool and say such hurtful things to your kid, just because you were upset? Damn, he’ll never forgive me! I hate myself!

You know better, yet you screw up. You’re smart, yet you make stupid mistakes. Your brain doesn’t always do what you want it to do. If it were up to you, you’d replace it with a better brain – one that can fire on all cylinders to make the best decisions at any moment in time!

But alas, you’re stuck with your brain – a brain that has momentary lapses of attention; a brain that finds it hard to stay on task; a brain that’s often led astray by emotions; a brain that’s notorious for zoning out, a brain that only pays attention to what’s staring you in the face at any moment.

Yes, it’s true. We’re all stuck with imperfect brains. Still, we can increase our ratio of smart decision-making to dumb decision-making. Here’s how.

• Revisit your decision.

Negative emotions like fear, sadness, and anger as well as positive emotions like excitement, enjoyment, and entertainment can hijack your brain. Sure it’s good to feel your emotions but don’t allow them to dictate the roll of the dice. Let time pass. It could be a few moments, a few days, a few weeks. During that time consult both your head and your heart, as you ponder what to do. Then decide and notice how your decisions are turning out to be pretty good!

• Expand your options.

You may be thinking in binary terms. It’s this, or it’s that. It’s good or it’s bad. You’re smart or you’re stupid. You’re scared or you’re brave. If you’re having trouble deciding between options A and B, expand your options to C and D. Can’t imagine any other options? Ask the smartest person you know, whether he’s 5 or 50, whether she’s 7 or 70. I bet your chosen whiz will come up with some good ideas!

• Slow down.

We live in a fast society. We make impulsive decisions without thinking them through. We live in a busy society, with many distractions, with multiple choices. So, when it’s time to make an important decision, it’s essential to slow down and focus on what you’re facing at the moment. Tired of kicking yourself for all the stupid decisions you’ve made? Then give your decision the time and attention it deserves!

• Remember that nobody is perfect.

Every regrettable decision is not a dumb mistake as it’s impossible to bat 1,000. Maybe you made a stupid decision, but it’s not so stupid if you’ve learned from it. So, judge yourself kindly. Nobody experiences life without any regrets. Just make sure you don’t keep making the same mistake over and over again.

We live and we learn. Or, at least, some of us do. If you wish to minimize the times you ask yourself, “What was I thinking?” follow the guidelines above. Then notice your regrets are few and far between. Time to rejoice!

©2021

Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist, coach and author in private practice who specializes in helping people become the best they can be. You can reach her at LSapadin@DrSapadin.com Visit her website at www.PsychWisdom.com

How to Get Back on Track!

Many of us have been vaccinated. Springtime has arrived. After a year of quarantine, we’re ready to move forward. Get back on track. Get outside with others. Make positive changes in our lives.

With so much optimism, they’ll be days when you feel that whatever you want to do, you’ll do! You’ll get to the gym, you’ll see friends, you’ll work on that new project, you’ll eat healthy, you’ll get organized. Yay!

Then there are the other days.

On those days, you don’t take baby steps toward your goals. You’re too tired to get to the gym; you don’t feel like calling friends; you lack the desire to work on your new project; the hell with eating healthy, and the clutter in your space will just have to wait!

Laziness, listlessness and lethargy rule the roost. Attempts at get-up-and-go have gotten-up-and-gone. You are, or so you believe, beyond redemption. The prior year has made it easy to give up working toward your goals. Why even try?

You shrug your shoulders. You tell yourself that it’s a losing battle to fight the fickle finger of fate. Just admit that in the DNA lottery, you won the idle and inertia genes. So wouldn’t it be a good idea to stop torturing yourself and accept yourself as you are – warts and all?

I agree. Stop torturing yourself is a great idea. Accepting yourself is also. But, if you’ve lapsed into old habits, do not despair. You can still take steps to reach your goals. Indeed, when people start a change program, the norm is to fall off track. Only a few very well-disciplined folks are so consistent that they never falter, vacillate or backslide. The rest of us are more inconsistent.

We don’t feel motivated every day. We don’t respond to self-imposed schedules. We dawdle with tasks we know we should do. We go for immediate gratification rather than long-term goals. We have days when it feels too difficult to do anything constructive. Such days challenge our confidence and belief in ourselves.

But remember, we’re not machines. We’re human beings. And human beings are imperfect. When we’ve gone through a challenging year, we may not want to do anything that feels burdensome. The key to getting back on track, however, is not to be perfect but to view your setback as temporary.

One morning you wake up and remind yourself why you want to change. You picture how proud you’ll be when you achieve your goal. You begin by focusing on little steps, easy stuff you know you can do. Accomplish a simple task…organize your desk …send that text…make that call.  Take care of these things and you’ll get renewed energy and determination. Then, more significant steps become less challenging.

You might dream of having an understanding, energetic coach alongside you, motivating you every step of the way. Good idea. But if you don’t have one, consider becoming your very own coach.

• Start by giving yourself a pep talk. You’re good! You’ve got the energy, you’ve got the smarts! Now, get going!

• Psych yourself up to do what needs to be done.  You can do it! You know you can do it, so get started now!

• Reward yourself for taking action. You did it! I’m proud of you!

What matters is not how fast you reach your goals, but maintaining the energy and fortitude to work toward them day by day.

©2021

Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., psychologist, coach and author specializes in helping people overcome procrastination and debilitating anxiety and fear. Contact her at DrSapadin@aol.com. Visit her websites  www.BeatProcrastinationCoach.com and  www.PsychWisdom.com .

With all the violence that is happening in the world today, how do you know what’s safe to do? Should you be flying? Should you be taking the kids to NYC for the holidays? Should you be avoiding crowds at the stadium? Or, at the mall? If your answer is, “no, not now,” how will you know when you are ready to return to “normal” activity?

There is no absolute safety in this world. Indeed, staying home turns out to be a fairly risky business as home is the place where most fatal accidents occur. Thus, the trick to feeling safe is not to hide under a blanket or to bury your head in the sand but to distinguish between how risky a situation actually is and how risky it feels. Risk is less frightening when you understand it better. Hence, here are a few things to keep in mind:

How risky we perceive an activity to be is not the same as how risky it actually is. Many people feel more frightened flying than driving. This is true even when they know that one is much more likely to have a fatal accident in a car than in a plane. Logic often does not hold a candle to our emotional responses.

TV images of dreadful events make them more vivid in our imagination. The most recent terror attacks in Paris and in San Bernardino were not something we just heard about. We saw graphic images of destruction on TV, on the Internet, on our phones. Over-exposure to such events makes us feel more vulnerable and open to attack.

We feel more vulnerable when we’re not in control. When we’re not the ones calling the shots, it requires that we put our trust and faith in people we don’t know and in systems we may not trust. This is difficult for many people to do.

New risk seems scarier than old risk. Which is more likely to kill you, the flu or anthrax? No question, it’s the flu. But since the flu is a known disease and anthrax is a new disease born of terrorism, anthrax is perceived to be far more dangerous. Indeed, we are so used to the flu arriving each autumn that many can’t be bothered to get vaccinated, even when there is no financial cost.

We all need to reflect on our own risk-reward ratio. What risks am I willing to take to live the life I want to live? When am I being overly cautious? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions; you must come to your own conclusion. Yes, there are times in which it is smart to be afraid. But if fear becomes your way of life, it takes a huge toll. Here are just a few of the costs:

A fearful lifestyle constricts your thinking.
If you are constantly feeling fearful, you may find that you have developed a pattern of reflexive nay-saying instead of reflective thought. Worrying about setbacks, troubles, problems or calamities that might befall you (or your loved ones) makes it difficult, if not impossible, to sustain good decision making©©.

A fearful lifestyle pinches choices.
Fear also restricts your ability to take action. You may approach life with a ‘better safe than sorry’ attitude. The upshot? You end up spending your days in a too-tight, too-narrow comfort zone.

A fearful lifestyle squeezes all the fun, excitement, and juiciness out of life.
When fear becomes the primary determinant of your life choices, what’s left? Two things: the routine, everyday undertakings of life and the crisis and tragedies of life that sooner or later will befall us.

Though being scared, at times, is an inevitable part of living, focusing on the hazards and risks of life is not. So, next time you’re feeling overwhelmed with world events, be guided not only by the fear in your gut but also by the knowledge in your head.
2020

“To fear is one thing.
To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.”
Katherine Paterson

It’s a happy time of year. A time to be joyous. A time for parties and fun events. But I’m listening to a sad story. A young woman died in an instant. A bone got stuck in her throat. A stupid, senseless, useless death.

A mom is in shock. She can’t believe what has happened. People come to pay respects.  They bring food. They shed tears. They embrace. They offer their deepest sympathies. They ask if there’s anything they can do. But they all know that the one thing they wish they could do, they can’t.

And then one visitor utters the words that make mom cringe. He holds her hand tight as he reassures her that “Everything happens for a reason.”

“What reason could there possibly be,” she retorts, as she pulls away from him. He responds in a gentle voice, “You will grow from this. You will find God’s meaning. You’ll see.” This man thinks he is being helpful. He knows not that his words cut rather than cure, hurt rather than heal. He is not a mean man; he is an ignorant one.

When loved ones are in pain, we don’t know what to do. We feel obliged to say something. Hence, platitudes spill out of our mouths, masquerading as precious wisdom. We offer advice. We tell them that it will be all right. We tell them what God wants.

So, what should we do if platitudes don’t work? What do we say to hide our discomfort in these helpless situations? Avoid the situation all together? No!

Simply, allow your loved one to grieve. In her way. On her timetable. Let her talk. Or not talk. Let her cry. Or not cry. Let her howl in despair. Or not howl. Let her hate God. Or love God. Or not believe in God.

When a life has been shattered, do not try to make things better. Many losses cannot be made better. They cannot be understood. They cannot even be accepted. Especially, if it is a loss of a child. Your child is your future. This should never have happened!!!

So, how can you be helpful? Simply be there. Be fully present when she needs to rant. Or, cry. Or, be silent. Be there, when she’s in despair. Or, feeling better. And when she wants to be alone, let her be alone. But reassure her that, even in her aloneness, you are holding her in your heart.

Grieving is a necessary process. It must happen before one can heal or move on. Sounds simple enough. But we are an impatient society. We want people to get over even their deepest losses way too soon. We don’t appreciate that cutting the grieving process short can curtail the healing process. Nor do we acknowledge that grieving may never be completely over.

So, if you wish to be helpful to a person devastated by grief, avoid giving advice. Instead, simply be there in the moment. And if you feel uncomfortable not doing anything, remind yourself this is not about doing. It’s about being there at a time when your loved one needs you.

©2015

This article was inspired by the writing of Tim J. Lawrence, who blogs at The Adversity Within. For more information about Tim, go to www.timjlawrence.com

“The reality is you will grieve forever.

You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn o live with it.

You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.”

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Do you have a strong need for approval from others?
Do you worry a lot about what others think of you?
Do you have difficulty saying “no” to others, but feel sad when they don’t respond in kind?

If so, it’s time for you to chill out before you burn out. Seeking approval from others is draining, diminishing and invariably disappointing.

Draining – because you use up so much energy seeking approval that you can’t focus on what’s really important to you.
Diminishing – because your needs often end up at the bottom of the pile.
Disappointing – because no matter how hard you try, some people still won’t like you, appreciate what you do, or value your opinion.

So, if you want to break your approval addiction, read on…

1. Instead of looking outward, go inward and reflect on how you want to live your life.

If you find yourself living your life to accommodate others or chasing pursuits just to fit in or gain acceptance, stop. Though it may initially feel warm and fuzzy to win another’s favor, reflect on whether it’s worth it in the long run. If you do decide to say “yes” to what others want, make sure it fits into your time schedule and is, at least partially, on your terms. Rather than taking on tasks simply to please another, aim toward living by the rules that make sense to you.

Nix the guilt if you didn’t do what someone else wanted. Nix the fear of offending others. In no way am I suggesting that you aim to be a self-centered, egotistical person. Being a generous, giving person is an admirable quality. But accommodating others just to win their approval or to prove your worthiness is another matter.

2. Know when and how to say “no.”

The ability to say “no” – especially when you’re thinking “no” – will reap unexpected benefits. Here are just a few:

• Your “yes” will be more respected by others, as those who can’t say “no” are often treated as doormats.
• Saying “no” will help you set reasonable limits on your time and energy.
• Saying “no” will help you build character. Character is weakened by saying “yes” to everyone and everything.

Learn the many ways to say “no.” Most will fit into one of these four categories:

a. a polite “no”
“No, but thanks for thinking of me.”

b. a “no” with an Explanation
“No, I’d like to join you but I just don’t have the time.”

c. a “no” with an Alternative Proposal
“No, I can’t drive you now but I’ll be available in an hour.”

d. a Blunt “NO”
“No, I won’t do it.” As a pleaser, you’ll probably use this type of “no” sparingly, saving it for those who brush off your initial “no.”

Teach yourself the skill of using whatever type of “no” best fits your mood and the situation.

3. Give yourself the approval that you seek from others.

We live in a culture in which it’s easy to feel frazzled and fried. Work harder! Faster! Better! Though this is troubling for many, it’s particularly tough for an approval junkie. Why? Because approval seekers are prone to assuming an abundance of responsibility. Add on your dislike of disappointing others and life can easily get out of hand. You know what I’m talking about, right? In your saner moments, you do know that you can’t do everything. So, if something has to give, make sure it’s not your good feelings about yourself.

Remember, always, always, always treat yourself with respect. Know your worth. Value your time. Make choices that are right for you. Instead of feeling pressured to go along with something you don’t want to do, speak up. Give yourself the kindness, acceptance and approval that you’re seeking from others.

“People often say that a person has not yet found himself.
But the self is not something that one finds.
It is something that one creates.”
~ Thomas Szasz

“Crazy busy is a great armor, a great way for numbing.
We stay so busy that the truth of how we’re feeling
and what we really need can’t catch up with us.”
Brene Brown 

Do you have a tough time making a choice? If so, you know it can drive you crazy… and waste a lot of time. Here’s a typical internal dialogue of an indecisive person:

“Maybe I should do this.
No, maybe I should really do that.
I don’t know what to do.
Ok, I guess I’ll go with my first idea.
But maybe that’s not the best idea.
Oh, I can’t stand this. I’ve got to decide what to do.
I can’t.
Why not?
It’s not so simple.
It’s complex; No, I’m complex.
I’m not complex, I’m just neurotic.
No, I’m not.
Yes, I am.
All right; stop all this going back and forth. I must decide already.
So, maybe I’ll do this!”

Is there any help for indecisive people? Must they continue to torture themselves with even the most mundane decisions? If you’re struggling with interminable indecisiveness, here are a few ideas that I hope will help you move forward:

1. In real life, as opposed to your fantasy life, there is rarely an absolute best decision.

Sure, you want all your decisions to be safe, secure and the “right” one. Yet, decisions are a risky business. By making a decision, you risk being wrong. By taking a stand, you risk being ridiculed. By making a choice, you risk regretting it. Can you take steps to minimize these risks? Of course. Will you ever eliminate all risk? Never. But, is it better to make a decision than to be bogged down with indecisiveness? Yes! Yes! And Yes!

2. Trust your intuition.

You probably equate more thinking with better thinking. However, too much thinking reaches a point of diminishing returns. Then what happens? The paralysis of analysis. Too many options, too much vacillating about what to do and you get more and more anxious. Then, you freeze. So, instead of going on and on trying to figure it out, try trusting your intuition. Intuition is not the enemy. Unless you are on a destructive path, it is customarily your wise, well-informed friend.

3. Enough is enough!

If you second-guess every decision before you make it, then drive yourself crazy after you make it, tell yourself “enough is enough.” Once you make a decision. It’s done. For better or for worse. Let go. Then, use your beautiful brain to get on with your life.

© 2016

Have you been struggling with accepting the results of the Presidential election? Now that the election has come and gone, and you can’t get it back, what do you do with your anxiety, your anger, your astonishment with the outcome – if this is what you are feeling?

Here are thoughts that might help you deal productively with your current struggle as well as other struggles that you will surely encounter on this journey we call life.

“We have to stand up for what we believe in. Always. Always!….It doesn’t matter if we are standing up to our friends or our boss or even the president of the United States, we must stand up for what we believe is right and just and moral and good. We cannot waiver, not in the face of intimidation, not in the face of trepidation, not even in the face of fear.” ~Rabbi Sara Sapadin

“In times of great stress or adversity, it’s always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive.” ~Lee Iacocca

“The problems are here to stay. We need to find a way to deal with them.” ~ Pawan Mishra

“No one is so brave that he is not disturbed by something unexpected.” ~Julius Caesar

“There’s always failure. And there’s always disappointment. And there’s always loss. But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.” ~Michael J. Fox

“Resilience is all about being able to overcome the unexpected. Sustainability is about survival. The goal of resilience is to thrive.” ~Jamais Cascio

“Life inevitably throws us curve balls, unexpected circumstances that remind us to expect the unexpected. I’ve come to understand these curve balls are the beautiful unfolding of both karma and current.” ~ Carre Otis

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” ~ Nelson Mandela

“Everyone can do simple things to make a difference, and every little bit really does count.” ~Stella McCartney

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” ~William James

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” ~ Hans Selye“

“We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee.” ~ Marian Wright Edelman

What’s the matter with my daughter? All I did was ask her if she had responded to a family invite and the next thing I know she’s rolling her eyes, telling me (with dripping sarcasm), “What do you think I don’t know anything; why do you think so little of me?”

What did I do wrong? Why do I have to tip-toe around my own daughter, making sure I always say the “right” thing? “Yes,” Liz told her daughter Lori, “I don’t think you know anything if that’s the way you talk to your mother.

What’s the matter with you?” Lori lashed back. “Nothing’s the matter with me. I’m 25 years old and I don’t need you to keep telling me what to do. Butt out! I’m perfectly capable of handling my own life.

I’m your mother. You just remember that and show some respect.”

What’s going on here? Why are mother and daughter so steamed up over a seemingly innocuous question? Why do so many talks between family members deteriorate into anguished attacks?

Often, it’s because a button has been pushed that’s tied to your identity. By identity, I mean how you view yourself and how you want others to view you. In this situation, mom’s identity is strongly tied to being a person who is “caring and considerate and does the right thing.” So when Liz asked her daughter if she had responded to the invite, she felt she was just being a caring and considerate person.

Lori obviously interpreted the whole interaction differently. Lori’s identity is strongly tied to being “an independent, competent adult who can handle things on her own.” Hence, her mom’s question, which might have been perceived as innocuous by someone else, was insulting to Lori.

Then, when Lori told her mom to butt out, Liz was wounded to her core. Liz felt she was a loving mother who had devoted the better part of her life to raising her daughter. And now she was being told to “butt out!!” Butt out of her daughter’s life? Unthinkable; her daughter was her life!

Wow! How easily a simple question can morph into an anguished assault. So what’s a person to do?

Here are three suggestions.

1. Recognize your vulnerabilities

Know what triggers an instant insult for you. Will it be an attack on your competence? Your looks? Your strength? Your importance in the family? Your worth in the outside world? Your parenting skills? Once you know your vulnerabilities, work to strengthen your core. Be secure in who you are. That way, you won’t be thrown off balance if someone says something that’s hurtful to you. Or, if you are thrown off balance, you’ll be able to quickly recover without counter-attacking and escalating the whole episode.

2. Be aware of what you say that’s hurtful to another in a way you might not have ever imagined.

Of course, it’s easy to think, “she shouldn’t be so sensitive” or “he should know I don’t mean any harm.” But she is sensitive in this area (just like you’re sensitive in another area).And he doesn’t know that you don’t mean any harm. Indeed, if you keep saying what you say, he might indeed believe you do want to undermine him.

3. Instead of continuing to hurl insults, stop. Take a deep breath. Try backtracking rather than going full throttle ahead.

It’s seductive to keep trading barbs when you’re feeling hurt. After all, you’ve got to defend yourself. And continue to show the other how wrong he/she is. But where does this get you? Nowhere. For it’s not an honest discussion. It’s not designed to clarify what was meant. It doesn’t help you understand the other person’s position better. It’s simply a way to continue the assault until both parties retreat to their respective corners to heal their wounds, and perhaps plan a counter-attack.

©2016

Trump’s recent “apology” for his sexually degrading remarks, was inane, insincere and inadequate. “I said it; I was wrong, and I apologized” was designed to call off the dogs and get back to the business of attacking Hillary (and Bill) ASAP.

According the “The Five Languages of Apology,” a real apology has three parts: expressing regret, accepting responsibility and making restitution. (CNS graphic/Emily Thompson)

Clearly, Trump doesn’t have the foggiest clue as to what a sincere apology entails. So, I will help him ‘get it.’ Donald, here’s what you need to know:

1. A sincere apology is empathetic, not arrogant. It requires you to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, to imagine what it must feel like to be on the receiving end of your insults. You must listen to what others are saying and do your best to understand what they are feeling. Your consciousness must be raised, as you learn from the experience.
2. An authentic apology admits openly and honestly that you were wrong. It directly acknowledges the hurt you caused, the harm you did. There is no fudging, no whitewashing, no trivializing the situation (i.e. “I’ve said some foolish things.”).
3. A genuine apology does not offer self-serving spin designed to get you off the hook (“I’m not a perfect person.”). You do not compare yourself to others to make your behavior acceptable (“Bill Clinton has actually abused women.”) You do not create a song and dance routine to explain why you’re not really to blame (“My comments were for entertainment.”).
4. An honest–to-goodness apology begs the other person’s pardon. It is not up to you to decide when you are forgiven; it is up to the people you have offended. When you push for premature closure (i.e. “I said I’m sorry, what else do you want?”), you do not recognize that trust needs to be regained over time, not quickly granted.
5. A bona fide apology is a humbling experience, particularly for a person seeking power. You cannot make it right all by yourself. You must listen. You must learn. You must hear. You must change your perspective. You must modify your beliefs. You must alter your actions. You must accept responsibility. You must seek to make restitution.

Donald, want to know what a sincere apology would have sounded like? Here is one possibility. And no, you may not copy this:

http://fabquote.co/

“Words cannot express how truly sorry I am for the way I have treated women. And what I have said about them. I am both sorry and embarrassed for the hurt, pain and anguish I have caused. This is especially saddening because so many women have been so supportive of me. I recognize that I must become more aware, more sensitive, more compassionate, more knowledgeable about how I speak and how I treat women and make sure such degrading comments like those that I made will never happen again.

I want you to know that I am committed to taking immediate corrective steps to regain your confidence. I am listening to you. I am hearing you. I am recognizing how hurtful my comments and attitudes have been. You deserve better—a lot better—from me. I hope I can regain your trust. And I hope you will give me the opportunity to show you how much I have changed.”

A sincere apology, like the one above, requires one to acknowledge that his actions and his words are inconsistent with his deeply held morals and values.

If this is not true, as Trump has shown over and over again, an apology, no matter how many times and how many different ways it is spun, will always mean zilch.

©2016